The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm both gender and math confused
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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