People in love make me want to vomit
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
