i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
