The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
