My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
