I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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