When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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