Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
