Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
