would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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