dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
