I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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