just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just found puke in my bra..
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
