Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
