You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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