He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
