So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
