y did u give ur computer a hand job?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
