it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
