Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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