the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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