He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You pole danced in your parka.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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