I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
