Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
