I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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