i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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