I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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