whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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