Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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