Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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