i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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