Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
