he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize