If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
