I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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