Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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