so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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