Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Found your dick twin last night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
