She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
