Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
