I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
