please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
