I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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