did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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