I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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