woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
