Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
