I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
