well you can't waste a boner
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
