you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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