Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
