I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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