My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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