Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
